A Trip to Epsom Races 1837
During one of his meanders through the internet Ian Parker came across the following advertisement:
The text was found in the July 8th 1837 issue of The Idler.
A TRIP TO EPSOM RACES.
―――――
TO: MISS SERAPHINA MAYBLOSSOM, MAIDENHEAD.
―――
Brunswick Square,
June 5.
MY DEAR GIRL,
Allow me to begin my epistle by deprecating your vengeance. I know I am already a letter in your debt, and that I shall incur your severe displeasure for not writing at the time I promised; but then, my love, consider!
How has my time been occupied since I last wrote you? Have I not been engaged, day and night, in scheming and plotting how to secure a sweetheart or two, ― pour passer le tempt ― and at the same time finessing, with a view to entrap a husband, as handsome as may be, consistently with a princely fortune ? Yea, verily! This hath been my sole employment ― and you will rejoice when I tell you that ― I have succeeded to my heart’s content.
You will, doubtless, remember Adolphus Mandevile ― Squire Mandeville, as he is called ― well, he is not the man.
You will, also, recollect my ardent swain Horatio Meredith ― he still doats on me to distraction, yet he is not the man for me. No! the happy man is none other than Henry Roach, (not certainly a very poetical name) Esq., ― son and heir to the wealthy merchant of that title, whose estates are, I assure you, worth a plum.
I have quite secured this man’s heart, and entangled him so completely in the meshes of my net, that he has no chance whatever of escape.
Poor fellow! I really do mean to try and like him, if I can; but he is not, certainly, so handsome ― nor so good-looking ― as either Adolphus or Horatio. ― You would call him mean ― but then he has lots of money ― and that you know, my love, with our sex is all that is ever thought about. Love and sentiment with us are only nominal virtues; and, like our articles of daily apparel, they may be put either on or off, at pleasure.
To be brief, (for I have lots of news to tell you) I have managed matters so skilfully that each of my admirers thinks, at this moment, that I am his humble servant! How great their infatuation must be, you will gather from what I am about to tell you :-
Last Thursday was the grand day at Epsom Races, and Papa and Mamma being at Southampton with my brothers and sisters, for a few days, I was determined to sport their new yellow carriage for the Occasion, and take a trip to Epsom, accompanied by my future husband.
Adolphus and Horatio had both previously begged of me to accompany them to the Races but this I evaded by saying that I had other engagements.
It seems, however, they had both some suspicion that I was not quite sincere. Well, Thursday came ― and at 7 o’clock, A. M., Papa’s carriage, drawn by four beautiful greys, was at the door.
Harry was punctual to his engagement, The neighbours, too, were all on the qui vive, looking out from their windows, and staring with all their eyes to see us set off.
ANNETTE seemed highly delighted with the titters and jokes that ‘were freely circulated at my expense, such as ― ” Oh, my I” ― ” What short petticoats !”. ― “What an immense hat !” ― ” What pink silk stockings !” &c.
These last were, unfortunately, exposed more than they ought to have been, in consequence of my dress hitching against the carriage steps. However, the morning being beautifully fine, and myself in tip-top spirits, I freely forgave their little pleasantries: and the postilions having fastened the door, and mounted their steeds ― crack! crack! went their whips ― and away we flew!
We met with little worthy of mention till we arrived at a small village, some miles from the main road, where we had arranged to breakfast ― it being a circuitous route, and more likely to secure us from the observation of my two sparks than if we had gone the direct road. My precaution, however, in this instance was fruitless. I had been watched both by Adolphus and Horatio ! The latter passed just as I alighted at our little inn, ― and from the window of the breakfast parlour, I had the ill-luck to meet the eye of Adolphus, who rode by on horseback. The recognition was mutual ― but he passed on.
I need hardly tell you that even I felt mortified at the critical situation in which I was placed,, though I knew full well that neither Adolphus nor Horatio dare offer to approach me, as they were well aware I had avoided their company. So I rallied and managed to make a tolerable breakfast.
Poor Harry was ignorant of all that had passed, and tried to make himself very agreeable; and the humour I was then in, from vexation, induced me to look more favorably upon his little attentions, than I otherwise should have done.
Breakfast over, we resumed our journey; and, seeing nothing more of my tormentors on the road, I quickly recovered my usual flow of spirits, and talked with so much vivacity and good-humour to Harry Roach, that the poor man verily seemed to think he was in Heaven, and talking to an angel ― at least, if I may judge from his appearance ― for he appeared in an ecstacy of delight, which I know not how otherwise to account for. He laughed ― he sighed ― and once or twice actually cried with joy, at my apparent fondness for him. Nay, the little fellow went so far as to offer me a “Chaste Salute;” which, of course, “under existing circumstances,” I consented to grant ― but not without many blushes, and much hesitation, on my part ― which made Harry renew his importunities, till ― at last, he succeeded.
With the exception of three or four vehicles upset on the road, and several horsemen who were dismounted by the activity of their horses and lay rolling in the dust, we saw little fun, or novelty, till we reached The Downs, when we took our station on the Royal Stand, and had a commanding view of the passing scene. At one o’clock the Royal party arrived, and all necessary preparations having been completed, the races commenced. ― The sport, as it is called was said by those who understand these matters, to be very good; but I took very little interest in the races generally ― except, indeed, the grand race of the day, which was won easily (as was expected) by the most beautiful horse I ever beheld. I have forgotten his name ― This race over, the company began to move about, and being nearly overwhelmed with the heat of the weather and the crowded state of the Royal Stand, we gladly availed ourselves of an opportunity to get a little fresh air. After walking about for rather more than an hour, we retraced our steps towards the place where Papa’s carriage was stationed; and having taken our seats, as before, by the assistance of Jinkins, Pa’s footman, we unpacked a hamper consisting of cold fowl, ham, sandwiches, &c. &c.; also, some very excellent Champagne, which I had begged of Harry to send from his father’s cellar, and a small quantity of Eau de vie.
Our repast being ended, we again sallied forth to join the lively throng; and now I hasten to relate my misfortunes.
Before we had taken many turns on the course, I encountered the enquiring gaze of both Horatio and Adolphus! They were not together, nor do I think they had recognised each other ― else, on this occasion, however great their general dislike for each other, I think they would have felt one joint interest.
To avoid seeing them was impossible, I, therefore; spoke to each en passant, and saying, in my most bewitching manner, that I was with one of my father’s oldest friends, promised to explain all at out next interview in town.
A word from me was enough, ― even suspicion seemed to be removed, and jealousy disarmed of its sting! So great is the power of woman’s art, if she knows how to exercise it aright.
But now for my, punishment ― the hour of retribution had arrived.
A storm suddenly arose, and being at a considerable distance from the carriage, we had no alternative but to make the best of our way towards it.
The wind encreased. to such a pitch, that my parasol was quickly torn to pieces ― much to the chagrin of poor Harry, who looked, in his well-soaked “inexpressibles”. and saturated “Brummell,” the beau ideal of a Water-Witch.
As for me, I was so completely drenched, and my clothes were so entirely spoilt, that I could liken my appearance to nothing but Cinderella, in the Fairy Tale, emerging from the ashes!
However, women never fret long together. So, after having scolded for about an hour, which Mr. Roach bore with Spartan fortitude, we re-entered our equipage and made the best of our way to town ― I, sulky ― and Harry terrified to a degree. He, poor fellow, was glad to retreat home as quickly as his gallantry would permit him; but he assured me, at parting, that he had passed a very delightful day!
Would that I could have said as much! But my vanity had suffered ― I had been vexatiously annoyed ― the Miss Smirkes had seen my blowzed ringlets, and seemed delighted with my woeful appearance ― and I had now to scheme and invent a plan to deceive, for a little time longer, two noodles who had chosen to fall in love with me ― without my consent.
* * * * * * * * *
It was considerably past midnight before I got to bed, and even then I could not rest; however, towards day-light, I fell into a comfortable dose, and did not awake till near. mid-day. I immediately rang for Annette, and gave orders that I might be denied to all persons calling on me that day ― feeling little inclination to see company, as I was labouring under a severe cold; but, as my paper runs short, I shall reserve further observations till I write you again, which will be soon after my return from Ascot Races, to which Pa has long since promised to take us all ― till then, adieu!
Thine, my dear Chick,
Very affectionately,
WILHELMINA FLOUNCE.
The trip to Ascot can be found in Volume 1 of the 1837 Idler which has been scanned by Google Books